We all have a handful of basic needs: to be loved, to belong, to be heard, to be seen and to matter.* Unfortunately, many of us are not getting these needs met. I believe that is largely due to our Mind, Body and Spirit Health. In this article, I will be discussing Mind Health: what it is, what it will do for you and how to start developing it.

Disclaimer: I am not a certified/licensed therapist or psychologist. Like most others, I am educated through a great deal of reading and life experiences. As such, I am a practical psychologist.

Mind Health is our ability to see the world we live in and navigate through it effectively. Each of us has a unique perspective developed by our parental, societal and geographic conditioning. As a result, no one sees things exactly the same. You can see this in a family with multiple children. Go tell each child to take out the trash and see what happens. Each of the children respond differently.

Mind Health is the primary component that controls and determines the quality of our lives. How can you expect to have a fulfilling and extraordinary life if you’re looking at the world through a distorted lens? If you see things that are not there, such as assuming people are lying to you or someone is doing something with ill intent, you will act accordingly. However, if you focus on you and what you have control over, you will have a much better chance of attracting positive results.

Gandhi is often quoted as having said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

In my opinion, this quote has everything to do with personal awareness and responsibility. We have all been in situations where we’ve said, “You need to be more understanding!” “You need to listen to what I have to say!” “There’s no romance in our relationship anymore.” “I would be willing to do [insert whatever action] if I trusted that person.” Thinking like this places responsibility for what’s happening externally. We are choosing to allow something else outside of us to have power over us.

The moment we make a comment like this, we need to be able to recognize it (become aware of it) and question/determine what we truly need. It is not someone or something else that is causing our pain; it is our thinking.

This truth has played out numerous times in my life. It wasn’t until I went through a really difficult personal situation in my life that I truly understood what that meant and why it is so incredibly important.

My daughter has been my greatest teacher in being the change. Her mother and I never married and we had a turbulent relationship. I spent the majority of our relationship, and much of the time since, empowering the mother’s weaknesses and making my life a function of the way I was treated by her. I couldn’t understand why my daughter’s mother would act so irrationally, make decisions based solely on emotion (opposed to fact), why she was so critical of my parenting, etc. The more time and energy I spent thinking about how her mother was “doing me wrong” and how her actions were hurting my daughter, the less time and energy I had for everything else in my life.

The things I allowed to hold my focus created a mental and emotional prison for myself. In the process, I became depressed, which led to overeating, over drinking, poor performance in my job, broken intimate relationships, etc. It wasn’t until I started working with a parenting coach that things changed.

I had an annual check up with my family physician and he was very worried about my weight gain, high blood pressure and overall health. He asked me if I had ever worked with a parenting coach. He said it was one of the best things any parent could do to care for themselves and their children. That was one of the most important moments in my life. I took his advice and contacted a parenting coach group that day. I yearned to feel good. It took some time and work, but it really paid off.

I started to notice my thoughts were often focused on what I thought the mother was doing to me or my daughter, how the mother was making everything so hard, how the mother was trying to control my life and so on. The amount of time and energy I placed on what she was doing ruled my world.

Stephen Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, was often asked, “How do you gain someone’s trust.” His answer, “Be trustworthy.” Also known as, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Once I recognized where my thought focus was going, I was able to question whether or not that was helping me accomplish my goal as her father. My ultimate goal with my daughter is to have a strong, loving relationship and be a positive model for her. That goal is now my mental anchor. I focus on that anchor in any interaction with her and her mother. It allows me to question and determine if the words I speak, the actions I take and the behaviors I exhibit are in alignment with that anchor. If they are not, then I change what I’m doing to make sure I am always working towards that goal.

My relationship with my daughter is so much deeper now than it has ever been. I attribute that all to my continued emphasis on my Mind Health.

There are some key elements to reaching an optimal state of Mind Health, these include:

1. Awareness

Your ability to recognize your cultural programming and how it impacts your view of the world is critical.
What beliefs do you have that are limiting your potential? What stories are you telling yourself that keep you from achieving the things you could achieve?

Once you are aware of and in tune with your thoughts and feelings, you can then choose how you want to respond to a situation. This is where you start taking back your power.

2. Know your outcomes – Visualize

I mentioned earlier my desired outcome with my daughter is to have a strong, loving relationship and be a positive model for her.
Knowing the outcomes you want gives you direction. When you set that direction based on solid principles, you will be able to handle external distractions and keep them from knocking you off course.

The trick is not only knowing what outcome you want, but visualizing those outcomes as already happening. And to visualize how you would feel in the midst of that outcome.

“Where focus goes, energy flows”
Tony Robbins

3. Prioritize what’s important

If you’re anything like me, it’s very easy to get distracted with mundane daily tasks; cleaning the house, walking the dog, binge watching The Walking Dead, cooking, going to the grocery store, exercising, avoiding exercising… the list is endless. The reason it is so easy to get distracted with these things is because we allow it. Most people do not plan out their weeks to block out time for the really important things in their life: things that will build stronger bonds with loved ones (husbands, wives, kids, friends), things that will help develop you personally (online classes, exercise, learning about nutrition), things that will develop you spiritually (reading books, meditation) and so on.

In order to begin prioritize what’s important, you need to define it. The best way I know how to do that is by figuring out what your roles are in life. We all play a variety of roles. I myself am an individual, a father, a son, a significant other, a salesperson, a teacher, a musician, a business owner and a martial artist. All of these roles require time and energy in order to maximize my potential in each.

“Most people dabble and never master what they do. As a result, they never reach their potential.”
Tony Robbins

4. There’s more than one piece of the pie

When I was in college, one of my professors put a checker board on our desks and had us partner up with a classmate. He placed one checker piece in the middle of the board and said, “Each player gets one move, then the other player gets a move. Whoever is able to get their checker piece to the other side wins. Whoever wins get $100.” Everyone in the class failed to accomplish getting their piece to the other side. The professor did this to illustrate our culture is programmed to win or think “win/lose.” If I win, someone loses. He told us this test was done in Mexico with elementary school children. The prize was a toy. Most of the kids figured out quickly they would have to work together to get the prize, which meant one of the kids would have to lose in order to share.
Many times, the best solution to any problem is to work together to create a better outcome than was originally intended or thought.

5. Communication – Listen first

This is a major hurdle for every human being, in my opinion. To listen. The Win/Loss mindset is so engrained in our brains that it infects everything we do, especially when communicating.
Most people argue their point of view, wait to jump in during a conversation, think about their next rebuttal. There is little to no regard for the fact someone else has a completely different view and could have something to offer. And many times, this lack of listening leads to major miscommunication. We assume or jump to a conclusion before taking in all details. And what do we get when we ASSUME? We make an ASS out of U and ME.

We must learn to listen first before we try to seek to be understood. This requires a true effort of trying to understand the other person’s point of view. Otherwise known as “empathy.”

Unless we have a good understanding of how someone else feels about or sees something, we cannot offer a meaningful solution to the situation.

6. Work together for a better solution

Most people don’t get anywhere close to this area. Fear, selfishness, greed and adversarial approaches get in the way.
It takes mental and emotional maturity to perform this element well. Because this requires both parties to be vulnerable. People usually don’t like that feeling because our 2 million year old minds still equate feeling vulnerable to risk of death. However, most of us are not being threatened by lions or bears anymore. We are being threatened by our minds.
This element combines all prior elements and uses them to create new, better solutions never considered before. Both parties involved need to value differences, respect each other, build on strengths and compensate for weaknesses.

7. Continued Education

Bruce Smith was an All Pro defensive end for the Buffalo Bills and Washington Redskins. He played professional football for an astounding 18 years when the average NFL career is about 3 years. Bruce always kept himself in amazing condition and physique. A journalist once asked him why he continued to work out so hard and stay in such great shape. Bruce said a coach told him a long time ago that it’s easier to stay in shape than it is to fall out of shape and try to get back in shape.

Same goes with any other skill you learn. If you don’t practice it, you will lose it.

You may be asking “what’s the difference between Mind Health and Emotional Health?” I’m glad you asked. If Mind Health relates to your thoughts and how you view the world, Emotional Health is the labels or meaning you put on your thoughts.
How and what we feel dictate our well being. I live in Chicago and deal with some fairly harsh winters. The change in season is usually welcomed, but after several months of grey skies, cold weather and snow, most people start acting depressed, unhappy and even angry. Have you ever had the weather impact your mood? Has a rainy day “ruined your parade”?

Is it possible you have allowed that external event determine how you feel? Have you ever seen people in third world countries, living in below poverty conditions who were happy? Or eskimos in 100 below weather who were happy?

Feelings are nothing more than the meaning we have given to our thoughts. Fear is one of the biggest motivators and paralyzers we face. Our minds place a meaning on any fear inducing situation which makes us believe we will experience joy or pain. Have you ever ridden a roller coaster? That moment when you begin the ride and you begin moving up towards the sky at an ever so slow pace. You can hear the clicking of the tracks as you near the top and you

begin thinking to yourself, “Oh dear Lord, there’s nothing but sky in front of me…” Then you begin to feel in the pit of your stomach, gravity change and you are hurled towards the face of the Earth. Some people cheer in ecstasy at that moment… others vomit and or pass out.

The distinction between Mind and Emotional Health is important because it helps us understand how we are impacting our potential. If we give an incorrect emotional feeling to a thought or experience we have had, we need to recognize that and change it. We have a unique ability to observe our own feelings, thoughts and behaviors and change them. We are free and encouraged to grow and evolve. That is the beauty of the human experience.

We can change our thoughts and feelings from despair and indifference to gratitude and love. In doing so, we attract the like. Wouldn’t you prefer to be surrounded by love, gratitude and joy instead of anger, despair and pain?

So how do you develop Mind Health?

This is a big area many humans don’t utilize: seeking help. Many of us are taught we need to be self sufficient and not rely on others. That’s one of the silliest things and most painful lessons I’ve had to learn. Does Tiger Woods have a coach? He has multiple. Did Michael Jordan have a coach? Multiple. Does Tom Brady have a coach? Multiple. So why would we not have coaches?

There are a variety of ways to seek out coaches, mentors or sources of authority for whatever area you need help.
I highly recommend parent coaches. I meet with my parenting coach once a week (and have done so for the past 7 years) to discuss any situations (good and bad) that occurred over the past week, as well as things that will be coming up. My parenting coach provides me with honest, unbiased feedback on what I did well and where I can improve. He also offers suggestions on how else to go about any situation. Parent coaches are priceless resources in a world without parenting manuals.

There are therapists, books and sources on YouTube.
I caution anyone who relies solely on family and friends for their console. Most people are well intentioned, however, those close to you want to be supportive of you and usually do not have the training and resources I’ve covered throughout this article.

Once you find the sources to help you develop your Mind Health, you need to make sure you practice your development. This is where a daily practice comes into play.

Parent coaches are typically available once a week and will give you plenty of things to think about and implement in your daily life.

You will also want to be proactive and seek out other complimentary things like books. I have mentioned 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and Tony Robbins specifically as I have found both to be phenomenal sources for personal change and development. I have read books on my own and have found that useful, but I have seen the most impact or retaining of knowledge when reading and working with someone else. My significant other has been a tremendous support in reading these, discussing and practicing these with me. If you need someone to support you in these, I suggest working with a loved one, a friend or finding a book club. Working with others who are supporting you really provides an atmosphere of change.

Mind Health is the fundamental aspect determining the quality of our lives. Our culture has been fixated an a victim mindset where our problems come from outside of ourselves, which only keeps us in our problems. In order to change our lives, to live our purpose and attract the good, we need to change how we see ourselves and the world we are in. The beauty of all this is we have the ability to change.

Mind Health is one piece of the overall puzzle. We also need to change our Body and Spirit Health to fully transform.
If this article resonates with you and, if you are serious about making a change in your life, I encourage you to read my other articles on Body Health and Spirit Health.

“Be the change…”